Aries (March 21 – April 19): Your obsessive level is The Overbearing Stage-Five. The second you decide you like someone, you are aggressively texting them every five minutes and planning your wedding by the second date. You don't hide in the bushes, you just knock the front door down with your intensity.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20): Your obsessive level is The Silent Cyber-Stalker. You will never, ever let them see you sweat, but you absolutely know their third cousin's dog’s birthday based on a deep-dive investigation you did at 2 AM. You are completely possessive, you just play it incredibly cool.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20): Your obsessive level is The Hyper-Fixated Glitch. You are completely infatuated with someone for exactly three days, talking about them for six hours straight to anyone who will listen, before completely forgetting they exist on day four. Your attention span is too short to be truly dangerous.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22): Your obsessive level is The Full 'Nikki' Experience. You get emotionally attached way too fast and start creating little shrines in your mind to commemorate your relationship after one good conversation. You are the exact person the movie Obsession was warning everyone about.
Leo (July 23 – August 22): Your obsessive level is The Narcissistic Mirror. You aren't actually obsessed with them; you are just completely obsessed with the way they look at you. If they stop feeding your massive ego for five minutes, your crush immediately evaporates into thin air.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22): Your obsessive level is The Background Check Master. You have already run a full criminal history report, calculated their credit score, and looked up their ex's LinkedIn before you even agree to a casual coffee date. Your obsession looks like a corporate investigation.
Libra (September 23 – October 22): Your obsessive level is The Romantic Daydreamer. You are completely in love with the idea of being in a toxic, dramatic movie romance, but you are way too lazy to actually stalk someone in real life. You'd rather just write sad poetry in your room.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): Your obsessive level is The Literal FBI Agent. You are naturally suspicious of everything, so catching feelings means you are tracking their location, reading their body language like a code, and inventing massive conspiracy theories. You invented the word obsessive.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): Your obsessive level is The Fleeting Ghost. You think you are obsessed because you bought them a plane ticket to Europe on your second date, but the second things get slightly serious, you run away. You are too addicted to freedom to stay fixated.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): Your obsessive level is The Strategic Investor. You view a crush as a business transaction and you will obsessively optimize your schedule just to make sure you "win" them over. Once they are locked down, you treat them like a valuable piece of property.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): Your obsessive level is The Cool Detachment. You are completely immune to traditional obsession because you are too busy thinking about aliens or futuristic technology to notice they haven't texted you back in three days. You are totally unbothered.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20): Your obsessive level is The Disassociated Fantasy. You completely lose your grip on reality when you fall in love, playing out an entire lifelong cinematic marriage in your head while they are just trying to tell you their favorite color. You live in a dream world.