Aries (March 21 - April 19):
You’re always acting like life’s one big action movie, but guess what? No one asked you to be the main character. We get it, you’re super brave—now sit down before you break something with all that impulsive energy.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20):
Ok, Taurus, we get it—you’re stubborn. You’ll dig your heels in about literally anything just to prove a point. Have you ever heard of compromise? Probably not.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20):
Gemini, we never know which version of you we’re going to get: Chatty Cathy or Ghost of Christmas Past. It’s like talking to sour patch kid. Maybe pick ONE personality and stick with it for more than five minutes?
Cancer (June 21 - July 22):
Cancer, we all know you cry about everything. Someone didn’t text you back? Waterworks. Someone did text you back? Still waterworks. You’re not deep or mysterious, you’re just the emotional equivalent of a leaky faucet.
Leo (July 23 - August 22):
Leo, we know you think the world revolves around you, but here’s a reality check—it doesn’t. Maybe if you stop shouting, “Look at me!” for two seconds, you’d realize that not everyone is as obsessed with you as you are.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22):
Hey, Virgo, we all know you think you’re smarter than everyone else, but proofreading the group chat for typos isn’t a personality. Newsflash: no one cares about your color-coded planners or your 17-step skincare routine. Relax.
Libra (September 23 - October 22):
Libra, it takes you longer to pick an outfit than it does to solve a Rubik’s cube. Oh, and that whole “I hate conflict” thing? Cute. Maybe if you actually took a stand on something for once, people wouldn’t constantly walk all over you.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21):
Scorpio, we get it—you’re “deep” and “mysterious.” But here’s the tea: you’re not brooding; you’re just paranoid and holding onto grudges from 2009. Not everyone is out to get you, but honestly, with that attitude, they should be.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21):
Sagittarius, we know you’re too busy traveling the world and being so free-spirited to respond to texts or, I don’t know, commit to literally anything. You’re not some wild adventurer, you’re just flakey. Come back down to earth, nomad.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 19):
Cap, do you even know how to have fun? Or is every moment just a stepping stone in your 20-year plan for world domination? Loosen up! Life isn’t a corporate boardroom. Not everything needs to be a “productive use of time.”
Aquarius (January 20 - February 18):
Aquarius, you’re not too unique for this world—you’re just weird. No, we don’t want to hear your conspiracy theories or your 10-year plan for reinventing humanity. How about making some actual human connections instead of playing savior?
Pisces (February 19 - March 20):
Pisces, you live in your own little bubble of fantasies and daydreams. But guess what? No one’s waiting for you to float back down to reality. You’re not some mystical poet, you’re just chronically late and out of touch.